Monday, March 7, 2011

Today, I realized that I can no longer stand up completely straight, because all the stress has been knotting up my neck and shoulders. The more I think about it, the more I realize that I have no stress relief in my life. There is no break in the cycle! School in the mornings, and evenings once a week, and work about 5 afternoons/nights a week. I barely have time to study, let alone have a social life or hit the gym anymore. All this stress is building up. Maybe I should take time management classes!

What do you all do for stress relief? I'm going to make a list of little things because I can't go one stressing like this and letting it take over my life and health. I'm sick of the irritability and emotional weight of stress. So what does it for you? Here's a list I'm starting of simple, easy, and quick stress relievers:

+Bubble Baths
+Ice cream (In moderation!)
+Taking a quick walk.
+Meditating to classical music.
+Prayer, and lots of it!

It's a short list and I'm hoping someone can help me add to it!

Monday, November 15, 2010

Recent Events

Some people will walk in your life and never leave. Apparently others will walk in your life, lie to you, cheat, chew you up, spit you out, let you go, grab you back, manipulate you and mindwash you, beat you emotionally, and walk all over you. Just saying.
Recently, I've had someone do this. I'm not blaming it all on him, but here's the whole story.
One beautiful weekend, early afternoon, I went on a date with a charming guy who was very into me and swept me off my feet. We laughed together, had a lot to talk about over cheese tortellinni at Antonio's and even went on to Barnes & Noble and stayed in the Civil War section feeding each other's interest in history. After this promising first date, we kissed a little. My heart was over joyed. Could it be? A guy who actually likes me for me and not for sex? The minute he texted me saying he got home okay, and was wondering if I did as well my heart fluttered. I got butterflies constantly thinking about his hand so warm clasped in mine, his arms around me, whispering sweet things in my ear. We went on a few dates after that and everything was so perfect! Cute little "good morning" texts, awww. So we decided to make it our relationship official. I had a boyfriend.
The days after that were amazing. Except for the fact that every minute away from him felt like hours, I had to trek through. He lived over an hour away, and it was a little difficult for him to come see me multiple times a week. That and he was working full time. This started to take a little toll on our relationship. I didn't care. He called me HIS baby girl. Our lips and hands were a perfect match, and oh! The way he looked at me.
We went to the Kemah haunted house. I wasn't scared like usual, because I had my boyfriend, my protector, who I trusted foolishly to save me from the creepers. He held my hand through out the entire haunt, and it was silly and romantic. Could I really be falling in love with this shy guy? The chainsaw guy at the end scared me so bad, I pushed him and my two friends that were with us out of the way, and broke my shoe. We went to WalMart and Ihop after that. Hey, we went everywhere when we were together! I was proud to show him off, even if he did talk about his Glock 26 constantly, or was starting to get a little on edge with the little things.
It wasn't long before he invited me to come out to see him at his apartment. We were going to cook dinner and watch 300. Of course, my parents would have to meet him first, so the following Thursday he came to my house and met my parents. He was a little nervous and shy, but it went well! I knew they would like him, right?
We shared music, I told him my aspirations for life-transferring to Sam Houston next fall, and majoring and hopefully getting my master's in history. He told me about wanting to go to ITT Tech. I told him a lot about my friends, and he got a little distant.
"They're not as important as me though, are they baby girl?"
That threw me for a loop. Well, yes, they are. I haven't known him as long as any of them, and he wasn't there all the time. This was the first time he flipped out on me. He was becoming jealous! I could understand it to a point, but don't try and label me "dog" and keep me in a kennel all day! I thrive on being around others. He couldn't handle that. But you know what? I thought, maybe it's worth it. I know in my heart we're going to be together for a long time, and letting him in more couldn't hurt.
Well. I went to his apartment the Friday after this, and it was fantastic! We did cute couple-y things, like grocery shopping, and cooking togther. He was a sexy cook! We couldn't keep our eyes off of eachother, and cuddling on the couch was the best thing in the world. It was getting late, and I had over an hour to drive so I left his place and came home. It was a hard goodbye, but knowing I'd get to see him soon and kiss those lucious lips would be worth the wait.
The next few days, he kept saying that I had to lose my best friend, because he didnt want me talking to ANY guy. He started to become controlling, and didn't even want me looking at a car to buy if a guy was selling it. Then he started getting jealous when I was with friends and wouldnt answer my phone. I'd get yelled at for not answering when I finally did, and it would end in tears. He would always make it right though, say the right words, look at me the right way...I honestly don't know what he did to make me stay through the hurt.
We would talk a lot about how to schedule our classes next semester so we could see each other more. One day, while I was shopping with my sister, he called and busted out the "L" word, like he couldn't hold it in anymore. Whoa! I've never been in love before, but it wanting someone and missing someone so bad it hurts when they are away, and having butterflies every time you see them, and having them CONSTANTLY on your mind, and them making you shine brighter than you ever have when they are around counts as love, I was in it (I'm aware this sentence sucks). Words just couldn't even describe how in love I fell with this boy.
Everything hit high speed there. We were talking about me transferring schools to up near him, and jobs too. He even wanted me to move in with him. It felt so right. My head and my heart were in agreement, and I was on top of the world. Scratch that. I was in a whole other world! We were so in love, and that's when things started falling apart even more.
One time, we were fighting on the phone so bad I had a nervous break down and couldn't even go to work. I sat in the parking lot for four hours before someone made me go and do something with them because no one can stand seeing me upset. It's just not who I am.
He was so controlling and jealous. I cancelled all my Halloween plans because he didn't want another guy looking at me at a club, even if he was there. He didn't trust me, but really I was the one who should not have trusted him. I spent the night with him the night before Halloween, doing nothing, wishing I was with my friends and out having fun. At least I was spending time with the love of my life, and we would be spending the whole day of Halloween together! That is until he got a mysterious text.
He flipped out.
"You need to leave. My dad wants me to go to my brother's game and spend the day with family. Without you."
Strange. I thought I was supposed to meet his dad that day. We had it planned out. He thought I was mad. No, he TOLD me I WAS mad, and ordered me to go, with a peck on the lips and a quick "love you". He got pissed off that I was "mad" although I wasn't. A little hurt and confused, sure. I went to my car and came back to get something. He flipped out again, saying I didnt trust him, and why the hell would I come back if I did? To get something I left? Indeed. Not through his eyes....
I told him I loved him and didnt want to go because I didnt know when I would see him next.
"Baby, I love you too. But get over it and quit being mad. It's for family."
So quit bringing it up, I understand. I wasn't all. A few minutes after I left, he texted me saying he loved me. About twenty minutes later I get this text, "I'm done for GOOD. This isn't going to work." A confused me replied, what? Only to get a text saying that I dont understand. No, I dont. So I called. All he did was say he was going to get a restraining order if I call or text him again. Ok. What do I do now? I pulled over and cried and called my best friend, who thankfully was just irritated and annoyed with me about this guy. My best friend talked me through getting home. Do you realize how dangerous it is for a very heartbroken person to drive an hour in traffic, crying so hard you can barely see? I didn't die, thank God.
Right after that, I went to lunch with my best friends, and was so depressed I couldnt even feel. After that, I went home and put on my Halloween costume, sense it was Halloween, just because I couldnt wear it to the club the previous night. I went to another friend's house and had maybe one too many margarita's. I called another friend and he picked me up and we talked for a while. I was devestated.
That was a Sunday. The Tuesday after, he texts me saying we should try it again, and he's so sorry and didn't mean it. His family just got under his skin. Oh Baby, Baby, I love you so much. I want you to be with me forever. You make me so happy and I don't want to lose you. We both have things to improve on, let's make the board white and clean again, start this over. I fell for it.
Wednesday morning at about 5 or 5:30 he called, and I was sleeping. I still answered, to him yelling at me. He told me I was mad at him. For what? I so wasn't. My love came back to me, why would I be? All I heard him say, "I'm done."
I texted him, pleading him to get back with me. PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF HUMANITY. He made me so pathetic in love, I was breaking myself to please him. He wouldn't have it.
Eventually, he said he would think about it. Saturday night, unknown to him, I went to a party and was REALLY living it up. I knew we weren't getting back together. He called me. It was over. I let myself go.
Sunday, I went to work and was checking my Facebook while on break. I was so confused to see he sent me a message because he had blocked me on Facebook. After reading the whole thing, I realized it was his...whoa...OTHER GIRLFRIEND?
Why did everything make sense? I emailed the girl and we started talking, and texting. He was dating both of us, but her a little longer. He had cheated on her before. Everything, every little detail made perfect sense. It wasn't family he was with on Halloween day, she had texted him. She didn't know I was there and she was on her way over! Oh! Down to times of phone calls, texts, and seeing each other, we figured everything out. Including the OTHER, other girls.
So, he had quit taking his depression medicines and ADHD medicines because you can't be chemically dependent when getting your concealed handgun license in Texas. He has a Glock 26 on layaway that he's paying off. He's threatened to kill himself before when I told him I might not get back with him the second time. I wish I would have saved that text. Apparently he had also hit this girl, and she had talked to a few other of his "girlfriends" and he for sure had choked one. She retaliated and trashed his apartment.
I'm not even sure if this is safe to write out, but oh well.
What to do? Our love was a lie. My heart is in a million pieces and I can't even find them all to mend back together! Well, talking to his other ex helped. She's helped me learn that I can't fix him. I need my closure though, and he won't give me the time of day. He cheated, gave us a plethora of lies, excuses and reasons, played us, made us give up everything to him, mooched money off her, got slightly violent with me at one point, manipulated us, and played magician to make us come back. Emotions are damn puppets, I tell you. I can't cry anymore. All I can do is somehow find my closure and move on. The perfect closure would be hearing from him, face to face, that he was wrong and tell the reasons WHY he plays this game with SO MANY girls. Aren't these signs of worse to come?! His other ex and I have helped talk each other through this, reminding each other of the bull shit he put us through so we won't be weak and try to go abck to him. I burned bridges with threats. I have information and could bring this son of a gun down. I won't though, because he has to learn by himself. He will realize his mistakes one day, and I hope I know it when he does. He will NOT be happy with life or anyone in it until he is happy with himself. Oh, he started dating another girl before he left me and the other ex. We warned her, but she is dumb. She blamed ME for ruining their relationship and robbing him of happiness. Oh? There's so much I left out of this venting blog that I'm too tired to type, but I don't think I was in the wrong.
Yes, I hate myself for not seeing or paying attention to the red flags, or for giving him the benefit of the doubt and letting him play me over and over. I can't do anything about that except get over it, because I actually have something to live for other than breaking hearts and making empty threats.
I suppose this is sort of my closure. I know he hates my guts for attempting to blackmail him, and I hate him. I still am in love with him though, although the love was a lie...but that part doesn't over power what I now know in my head. I don't ever want to see him again. I do care though, and I do want the best for him. I hope he finds TRUE happiness, and gets back in school and can still work full time. I hope he gets unaddicted to porn and playing with girls hearts, and I hope he doesn't lose his apartment or car because he can't afford them from taking so many girls out or buying stupid guns he shouldn't have. Most of all, I just hope he doesn't hate me forever, and doesn't hate himself over this. If something happened, I would feel absolutely terrible.
Note: This is NOT every little thing that happened. My heart is going to take a while to heal.

Sunday, March 28, 2010


Before I am 26-In no particular order
Move out.
Have a career that I like, and makes me enough money to live.
Graduate with at LEAST a bachelors, if not a masters. In what though?
Go to Germany.
Go to France.
Go to Italy.
Go to Belgium.
Get a Great Dane.
Memorize a piece of classical music on the piano. Not an easy one.
Try to find a compromise with my parents.

Saturday, February 6, 2010

Worst Fears

I'm not sure what my mother was implying, but she recently informed me that her worst fear, of all the things she could fear, would be for me to get pregnant, my father and her would have to support the baby and go broke, and I would live at home...forever. Really?

What is she saying about me? Does she think that I'm going to purposely get pregnant and make her life, as well as mine, miserable? Yes, I do want a baby. No, I don't want one now or in the near future. No joke, this scares me. She doesn't trust me.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009


I have no idea what I was thinking this afternoon as I left for Brewed Awakenings with no umbrella. Thank you, weather man, for the foretelling of the rain, but I am too stubborn to listen. I raced inside as the sky cried through my wool coat, and made it just in time before the rain really hit.

I walked inside, and got a regular sized coffee with room for cream, and added sugar. I was shivering cold when my friend Victor walked in. We had planned to meet to study for our zoology exam tomorrow. The two of us got some strage looks as we walked into the local coffe shop that we usually always meet at to study. We soon realized there were fifteen ladies dressed all nice that were sitting at a table talking in a circle. I swear, the feminist group of Deer Park was there having a meeting. There was one other guy in the place with his European style hat and a laptop on the table.

I want to focus on this guy. Victor and I were having a somewhat intellectual conversation about frog parts, and he was listening in. I noticed, and it looked like he was typing notes about the topics we were disscussing. I was so confused. He went out on the porch for a cigarette, and so I followed, pretending to do the same. I made small talk with this guy of about 45 years. Ends up, he is from Norway, and had not fired a gun until the age of 38. We talked for a little bit about European culture versus American, and we were both on the same page.

This was the hilight of my day. I love meeting Europeans. I believe that I am not American at heart, but German. Atleast, some sort of European country at heart!

Monday, November 16, 2009

Best Friends and Betrayal.

I am really just using this to vent. I'm sorry.

I have a friend, let's call him Trey. He was my best friend. I don't know how to explain it, because we've never physically met. We talk and webcams and all, he's not a creeper. For almost two years, it's been great. No fights, no anything except love between friends. A few weeks ago, it all went wrong. Trey told me that I need to stop doing certain things that didn't concern him. He in a roundabout way told me that we should only be "good time" friends. He didn't want our friendship to be anything but good times.

I believe a friend should be there for you through thick and thin, bad and good, better or worse, or is that just me? He was like that up until this point! So, long story short, he blocked me on facebook, myspace, msn, and skype. He said to e-mail him when I changed those few things and we would talk again. Easier said then done, I can't change who I am. This is what makes me mad: He KNOWS I have a hard time letting people in, and he pushed me for months and months until I finally *almost* completely let him in, and he said he would never hurt me. He told me that he was doing this to "help" me. Forget that, all it's done is hurt me!

Anyway, things almost, but not quite, got back to normal. He unblocked me, we've been talking. Tonight, he starts ignoring me again! He hasn't blocked me, but he straight up said that he doesn't want to talk to me, and it's for my own good. I wish he would just talk to me. It's not helping, it's hurting! I care about him more than most friends care about each other. I can't explain why. It's not like I'm in love with him. It's literally killing me from the inside because I can't figure out why he's doing this. I can't count the tears shed over this shit. Excuse my language. He's being immature though. I'm worried about him acting like this, and the worry and the hurt is just extra baggage I don't need.